I’m reading an extraordinary book about communication called Say What You Mean, by Oren Jay Sofer. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to communicate authentically, directly and kindly, and to anyone who wants to improve their relationships. While I was reading today, Sofer made such a beautiful and elegant suggestion that I put down the book and came to share it with my community.
In couples’ therapy, and, indeed, in all relationships, difficult conversations are sometimes necessary. Sofer raises the concept of how important it is to be thoughtful about how we begin our difficult conversations. Skillful framing of the message is essential. Sofer states: “framing gives someone a general indication of the territory we’d like to discuss in a neutral or positive way.”
How many times have you tried to start a conversation with someone only to be met with a response that is distracted, irritable, or defensive? Maybe you entered into the conversation with positive intentions, but your partner reacts as though you were attacking.
Framing avoids these problems by letting your partner know what is coming and asking for permission before proceeding. If your partner has had a bad day, is in the middle of something, is distracted, is feeling emotionally unsettled, or is otherwise not ready to receive your conversation, you are giving them the opportunity to say “not right now.”
Framing lets the person know what you hope to talk about, and checks in with them as to whether they would be open to that at this time. Sofer gives the example “I wanted to talk about the conversation we had yesterday to see if we could understand where we each were coming from a little better. Would you be up for that?”
Legendary couples’ researcher, John Gottman, states that 94% of the time, “how you start a discussion determines the way it will end.” So start off your next difficult conversation with wise framing, letting your partner know what you’d like to talk about (in a neutral or positive way) and ask if they would be open to that conversation. I’d guess that if you start like that, you’ll be much more likely to have the kind of discussion you want. Give it a try, and let me know how it goes.