I’m reading an extraordinary book about communication called Say What You Mean, by Oren Jay Sofer. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to communicate authentically, directly and kindly, and to anyone who wants to improve their relationships. While I was reading today, Sofer made such a beautiful and elegant suggestion that I put down the book and came to share it with my community.

In couples’ therapy, and, indeed, in all relationships, difficult conversations are sometimes necessary. Sofer raises the concept of how important it is to be thoughtful about how we begin our difficult conversations. Skillful framing of the message is essential. Sofer states: “framing gives someone a general indication of the territory we’d like to discuss in a neutral or positive way.”

How many times have you tried to start a conversation with someone only to be met with a response that is distracted, irritable, or defensive? Maybe you entered into the conversation with positive intentions, but your partner reacts as though you were attacking.

Framing avoids these problems by letting your partner know what is coming and asking for permission before proceeding. If your partner has had a bad day, is in the middle of something, is distracted, is feeling emotionally unsettled, or is otherwise not ready to receive your conversation, you are giving them the opportunity to say “not right now.”

Framing lets the person know what you hope to talk about, and checks in with them as to whether they would be open to that at this time. Sofer gives the example “I wanted to talk about the conversation we had yesterday to see if we could understand where we each were coming from a little better. Would you be up for that?”

Legendary couples’ researcher, John Gottman, states that 94% of the time, “how you start a discussion determines the way it will end.” So start off your next difficult conversation with wise framing, letting your partner know what you’d like to talk about (in a neutral or positive way) and ask if they would be open to that conversation. I’d guess that if you start like that, you’ll be much more likely to have the kind of discussion you want. Give it a try, and let me know how it goes.

I work a lot with couples, and there are often hurt feelings and pain between them, where both feel like they've been wronged, and they are each waiting for the other to apologize. When they are asked to apologize, they will often say that they didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't have to apologize.

I often advise people to not wait for the other person to change, but rather to change themselves first. In other words, control what you can control (yourself), rather than another person, who is out of your control.

If you're willing to take the first step to resolve a conflict between you and another person, here's what I'd suggest.

First, make sure you understand where the other person is coming from. Ask this person to explain the pain to you. Ask clarifying questions if necessary. Try to restate your understanding of their unhappiness, without agreeing or disagreeing to the premise, and ask if you got it right.

You might say "You are angry with me because didn't feel like I listened to your concerns, and you think I just pushed my own agenda without taking your opinions seriously," or "You're really lonely and hurt because I don't seem interested in physical intimacy with you." Then follow your summary with "Did I get that right? Is there anything you'd want to correct or add?"

Do not use this time to tell them why they are not accurately perceiving the situation, defend yourself, tell your side, or do anything besides just clarify your comprehension.

Once you have fully understood their point of view, you can try to offer compassion. Again, you are not agreeing with the accuracy of their perceptions, you are only imagining how they might feel if that's how they experienced the situation. You can probably imagine how painful it can be to feel hurt, sad, angry, lonely, or whatever else the other person is feeling.

Now, once you understand their experience, and have some compassion for their pain, you can apologize. To be clear, you are not accepting blame, and you are not agreeing with their version of reality. You are being regretful that someone you care about is suffering as a result of your interactions together.

Here are a few examples of what you might say: "You really felt judged by me yesterday. I'm so sorry you felt so hurt," or "I am so sorry that our fight left you feeling so misunderstood," or "It was never my intention to cause you pain, and I am really regretful that our interactions hurt you so deeply."

Note that this is not "I'm sorry you feel that way, but..." or "sorry, not sorry." It's also not just giving in and apologizing to make the problem go away. Both of these approaches rarely bring healing or intimacy, but rather increase the distance and resentment.

I invite you to experiment with this approach in a disagreement you're having with someone who is close to you. See if you can listen openly, imagine their suffering, and offer sorrow, regret and/or compassion for the pain this person is having. Give it a try, and let me know how it goes.