Often, when we are in an argument, we start out reasonably calm. Then, the argument escalates, and we find ourselves shouting, and no one is listening any more. It’s like both partners have their fingers on the TALK buttons on their walkie talkies, so they can’t hear anything.
Typically, the escalation is caused by the feeling that our conversation partner hasn’t heard what we are saying. When we feel like someone hasn’t heard us, we tend to say it more forcefully or more loudly. We might get frustrated and resentful and resort to unkind language or tones. Unfortunately, these changes do the opposite of what we intend. Instead of getting our partner to hear us, we drive them to place their fingers on the TALK button more firmly, and shut down their capacity to hear us.
The magic solution is simple but hard to do. Stop talking, and listen. Even if you think your partner is saying things that are inaccurate or unfair, just listen to the story that they are trying to tell you. Then, say it back to them, without agreeing or disagreeing with the accuracy of their statement.
For example: “OK, so I hear you saying that you think that I was nice to everyone at the party except for you, and that made you feel angry with me, and hurt. Did I get that right? Is there anything you would add or adjust so I can be sure to understand?” Your partner might add or adjust a few things, but you may find that their negative energy dissipates when you are focused on understanding them.
Then, once you and your partner are satisfied that you have understood their concern, you might ask: “Would you be interested in hearing my side? It’s ok if now isn’t the right time.” It’s important to offer them the chance to not listen at this particular moment. They may be too wound up or they might be feeling nervous that they will lose this good, connected feeling of being heard if they open the dialogue up.
For your part, try to use this pattern of explanation: “When you did _______________________ , I felt _____________________________.” Be careful to only use emotion words when describing your feelings. “I feel like you’re being a controlling jerk” is not a feeling, and it’s not useful. When in doubt, refer to the feelings wheel to make sure you are naming emotions within yourself, not thoughts about the situation. I often tell my clients that if you can’t imagine an emoji of the sensation, it might not be a feeling.
Then, ask your partner if they’d be willing to repeat back what they’ve understood you to say. You can remind them that they don’t have to agree with what you say, just that they understood your side of the story.
If you each can explain the disagreement in non judgmental terms, you’ll find that you may not have to agree in order to feel connected and collaborative. For instance, you might say: “I understand that you feel really stressed about work, and it hurts that, when you come home, looking for comfort, you experience me as demanding,” and your partner would say: “I understand that, when I’m stressed with work, my silence and absence make you feel really lonely.”
John Gottman, a long time researcher of couples’ therapy, found that 69% of problems in relationships are unsolvable: e.g., “I’m a night owl, you’re a morning lark;” “I’m a saver, you’re a spender.” That’s not necessarily a problem. Life would be pretty boring if we were all the same. The goal is not to agree, it’s to understand.
So when you find yourself in a disagreement with a partner, remind yourself that the object isn’t to convince your partner of your point, or even to agree. It’s to listen, and, if you disagree, to disagree accurately. You might be surprised at how much of a difference it can make.