Why 2021 isn't the relief we thought it would be

We all know that 2020 was a difficult year for so many people. The emergence of the COVID 19 virus, the racial upheaval and reckoning, the political intensity and elections were all challenging and overwhelming for many. Yet, somehow, we survived it and made it through. We looked to 2021 as a new beginning, a fresh start, where we would leave the misery of 2020 behind. Unfortunately, 2021 brought with it many of the same challenges, accompanied by a year’s worth of accumulated struggle from 2020. 

As a mental health provider, I’ve been observing the depression, anxiety, burnout, malaise, substance abuse, relationship struggles, irritability, and general “I just don’t feel good,” that have emerged in 2021.  I think most people are surprised that it’s hitting now, as hope reemerges for many people her in the USA (caveat: this article primarily applies to people living in those countries and communities that are experiencing some relief from the crises of 2020. I send compassion and care to those who are still in the midst of the storm, and my fervent hope that relief is on the way).

I want you to know that these feelings are normal. It’s exceedingly common to feel this way. I also want to tell you why you might be feeling this way.  Here are a few possible reasons you might be experiencing this emotional response.

Crash after the Crisis: I’ve written about this topic before, but in relation to the crash after treatment is completed for an illness.  Basically, we defer or delay our feelings in order to deal with the immediate crises, such as managing children at home, transitioning to working from home, losing or changing jobs, financial stress or fear, health concerns for yourself and others, mourning deaths, racial grief and outrage, and/or fear about current or future political developments. 

It’s evolutionarily wise to defer our feelings, because we’d be unable with all these real life issues while having the appropriate emotional responses, such as terror, fury, despair, hopelessness, helplessness, and overwhelm.  Unfortunately, feelings don’t disappear just because we’ve managed to push them away. We have only delayed processing the feelings, and they will return when some part of you decides you are safe enough to do so.  For many of us, as the changes of 2021 arrived, instead of feeling better, we ended up feeling the full brunt of all the feelings of 2020 that we had not fully processed.

Too much fight or flight: During this past year, most of us have spent more time than usual in crisis management, stress and fear.  Our bodies are responding like we’re gazelles being chased by hungry lions.  Unfortunately, our systems aren’t designed for non-stop stress response.  For a wonderful description of the cost of unresolved and unrelenting stress reactions, I recommend Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, which has inspired some of this discussion. 

When we enter the sympathetic nervous system (fight-flight-freeze), our body responds beautifully, increasing blood flow, slowing digestion, and it prepares our bodies to fight for our lives.  However, this system is designed for short-term stress (chased by a predator), not long term chronic stress (fear about job security, non-stop stressful videoconference meetings, children struggling with distance learning), and presupposes that either we die, or we escape the threat to recover with our tribes, and enter the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest). 

Instead, we just go to bed, wake up, and start the cycle of work, familial, societal, interpersonal, financial, and health stressors again, with little or no resolutionor recovery. The accumulated stress eventually becomes too much, and we experience burnout, exhaustion, irritability, depression—all signs that we have spent way too much time in the stress systems without recovery or relief.

I assume it goes without saying that, if you can change some of your circumstances that are causing stress, I would encourage you to do so.  However, if you’re dealing with stresses that you cannot change, what can we do to help you survive and feel a little bit better?

1)   Get your body out of fight or flight: For our ancestors, after they dealt with evolutionary threat (usually someone or something trying to kill them), they either died or escaped. Either way, it was short term stress.  In our never-ending Groundhog’s Day of stressors, we often remain stuck in the threat.  We need to find a way to help our body relax. 

a.     Breathe: Breathing is one of the quickest ways to let our body know that it is not under threat.  The marvelous book Breath by James Nestor has numerous examples of breath exercises and the data that support them.  A few easy breathing exercises are listed below. Breathe through your nose if you can.

                                               i.     Inhale and then exhale for double the length of your inhalation. For instance, if you inhale for a count of four, exhale for a count of eight.  Repeat as long as you like. 

                                              ii.     Inhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four, exhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four. Repeat as long as you like.

b.     Exercise: The data are compelling on this topic.  Exercise reduces levels of stress hormones in your system, and it releases endorphins that make you feel good. Clinical research has shown exercise to be a tool that can reduce anxiety and depression.  Aerobic exercise of twenty minutes or more is ideal, but the best kind of exercise is whatever you are willing and able to do regularly.

c.      Connect: There’s a saying that a lonely Neanderthal was a dead Neanderthal—we were built to live in community, and required it for physical survival. Now, we need connection for emotional survival. In Burnout, the authors suggest that a 6 second kiss or 20 second hug can be a way to break out of the sympathetic stress reaction.  If humans aren’t available, many people find similar relief from petting a cat or dog.  If physical touch isn’t your thing, spend time with a friend and connect emotionally. 

I hope some of these ideas give you comfort that you are not alone and that your feelings are normal. Try some of these tools and see if they might give you any relief from the challenges you might be experiencing. If these tools aren’t quite enough for the pain you’re experiencing, please reach out to a therapist or trusted advisor to try to find more structured support. These are challenging times, and you deserve support, and I hope brighter days are ahead for us all.