Try to learn something new about your partner

 recently heard a statistic that suggested that approximately 90% of the thoughts we have are not new–in other words, we’re re-thinking the same old thoughts most of the time.  We tell ourselves familiar stories about ourselves or others, ruminate on the same old hurts, wishes or worries, obsess about our to do list, but are we thinking something new that might be useful?

Often, we don’t even realize that we’re running through the same thoughts (about ourselves, about others). It might be your to do list, your regrets about the past, your fantasies or fears regarding the future, your disappointments in how others have behaved, but it’s likely that you have some thoughts and beliefs that run through your head regularly.

One of the most useful gifts that therapy can provide is to help people have new thoughts about their struggles. By asking thoughtful questions and creating an open, exploratory attitude together, we can begin to look at things in a different way, which may lead to different thoughts or understandings, which can than lead to different behaviors or feelings in response to the same experiences. 

Similarly, in relationships, we often have old thoughts about the other person: what their motivations might be, how they feel about us, how important we are to them, etc. These beliefs are often generalized, not flattering, and without nuance. In addition, these beliefs are sometimes inaccurate. One of the most useful things we can do in relationship is to check out those beliefs. We do this a lot in couples’ therapy, and I’ve found it to be such a useful process that I want to share some of the steps with you, in case you want to try them home.

I’ll try to show you how it would work with examples, but of course, each couple is different, and my style of language may not match yours. Try to make it as authentic and real as possible, and use this process as a framework, not a literal script.

As our example, let’s say you have a belief that your spouse doesn’t care about your needs.  You might be able to cite copious evidence to that effect. But have you checked it out? You might find out something that surprises you.

Before you ask, it’s important to ask in a way that opens up dialogue and exploration, which is hard to do when we feel hurt or judged or angry.  Here are some guidelines to help you communicate when emotion might be high:

1. Name the behavior as though you were an unbiased observer.  Do not add any inferences about the reasons or motivations behind the behavior.

Example “It seems like you’re often late coming home from work, even on nights when I have to go out.”

2. Describe the feelings that you have as a result. Do not tell them what you think they are feeling. Do not use it as a back-door way to insult them- “I feel like you are a jerk” is not a feeling. 

Example: “I feel frustrated and angry when I have to be late for my engagements when you are late coming home.”

3. Open up to them with curiosity and openness to their experience of the situation. It can be really hard to offer this opening when you don’t feel open, but see if you can take a deep breath and try. 

Examples:  “I wonder what your side of the story is?” “What’s going on for you on those nights?”

You might notice that I didn’t suggest anything related to problem solving here.  Most of my clients are very smart and thoughtful people–when the problem is clear, the solutions typically come easily. It’s tempting to try to rush to solutions, but the place where real change and progress can happen is in understanding each other. 

Take your time.  I’ll say that again, because it’s so important. Take your time.  When you partner shares his or her feelings, listen carefully. Your job at this moment is to try to understand his or her point of view. You will have your turn to present your responses later, but for now, you are just trying to really understand his or her perspective.  We can assume that very few people wake up in the morning thinking, “I wonder how I can hurt and shame those around me,” so let’s find out what is going on for your partner.

Once you’ve heard your partner’s point of view, try to say it back to him or her, to confirm understanding. If you’re not sure, you can ask clarifying questionsonly. Example: “I’m not sure if I have it all–I understood that you said that you find coming home to the noise and mess stressful, but I think you also said something about your fears about how I might be when you got home.  Can you say more about that?”

Then, once you think you really understand, try to state your understanding as clearly and non-defensively as possible. Example: “I think you said you’re feeling really stressed out at work, and you feel so overwhelmed by the pressure there that you can’t think about anything else. Did I get it?” 

As a final step, if you can, try to imagine what your partner is going through. What would you feel like in your partner’s situation? What might he or she be feeling right now? You can add that to your communications if it’s possible. Example: “Wow, so if I were in your shoes, I think I’d be feeling pressured and overwhelmed. That must be so hard.”

My clients tell me that they are often very surprised to learn what is going on for their partners-understanding the real feelings behind the behavior can generate empathy and compassion and decrease hurt and anger. The client who has been listened to often learns something new about him or herself, and also usually feels a new connection to the partner who has been listening and showing interest and care.

Then, and only then, is the opportunity for the listener to respond. You might find that all the things you had been saving up to say don’t feel quite as important any more. You might find that you have something different than you planned to say, so try to be as open and curious with your own thoughts as you have been with your partner.

If you’re able to follow these steps, I think you might be delightedly surprised at the new and different conversations and understandings that may emerge. Putting your defenses and strongly held perceptions to the side can be really hard-doing something new is usually hard. But if thinking the old thoughts and beliefs hasn’t yielded the outcome you like, try to discover something new, and see how that changes things.

And as always, let me know how it goes!

Make an emergency kit for your well-being

When people are going through difficult times, they often seek out psychotherapy or other emotional support.  But when times get better, they tend to stop therapy, and they often lose interest or momentum for self-exploration. 

I totally understand how people are most highly motivated for seeking help and internal awareness when they are suffering, but want to leave their pain behind and move forward into happier times.

I invite you to consider this alternate idea–when you have gone through the hard work to bring yourself out of the difficult times, you have probably learned some valuable lessons about what helps you heal, what makes life work better, and what causes pain.  I want you to be able to benefit from that hard won wisdom, and have it available for the next time things get hard.

It’s not pleasant to think about the fact that, just as bad times leave us, they will also return.  But life is like that-good times and bad times come and go. There are two good things about taking the time to pause and reflect on your emergence from the pain-1) There is often good learning that only comes from the hard times. Don’t miss out on that opportunity. 2) You can prepare for the next time with the experience of the past.

So don’t skip that next therapy appointment or put away your journal because you are feeling better.  Take this opportunity to learn the best practices for healing and handling a crisis, and also to celebrate all the good work you did to pull yourself through.  

Make yourself a letter, and treat it as your emergency kit.  Write down all the things you learned about yourself–did you take particularly good care of yourself? Did your internal voice get kinder? Did you reach out to supportive people in your life? Did you ask for help? Did you eat better? Prioritize sleep? What was it that helped you? Even if you changed nothing, and have no idea what you did, maybe the answer is that time was what helped. Whatever it is that helped you during your challenging time–write it down. 

You might even write it as a letter.  Here’s an example: 

“Dear self: If you’re reading this, it means that times are tough right now.  I want to let you know that these times pass, even though it probably doesn’t feel like it now. I want you to remember the things that worked for you in the past when you felt like this.  Even if you can’t believe that anything could help, maybe just give one or two of these a try. More importantly, remember-these times pass.  

(then list some of the best practices. Here are some examples)

1. Go to sleep every night at ten pm, no matter what.

2. Move your body for at least five minutes every day-more is better, but even a little bit is good.

3. Avoid sugar and alcohol-they seem like they’ll help, but they make you feel worse.

4. Bubble baths are good.

5. Get fresh air at least once a day, even if you’re just sitting on the front doorstep. 

6. Spend time with your favorite people only (maybe include a list of people who were particularly supportive to you in the past). Avoid the people who sap your energy or make you feel bad.

7. Play your favorite music all the time. Turn on the playlist I made for you of all your favorite songs.

8. Get back in touch with your therapist if you’re not seeing her right now. Don’t pretend it’s not a big deal-tell her you’re in a rocky time now and need help as soon as possible.

9.Watch stand-up comedy. You don’t think you’ll be able to laugh, but you will.

10. Meditate. It always helps.

And then, sign your letter with love. It’s a beautiful gift from your present day self to your future self.  

Even the act of making this emergency kit will help decrease your stress when these hard days come again. When we’ve been through hard times, we often get quite anxious about the idea that bad times might come again. If we already have a plan in place, it becomes a fact of life, rather than a monster under the bed.  Bad things happen, and we prepare for them, with the goal of providing comfort to ourself as we ride out the storm.

The top 5 things NOT to say to someone with cancer

I’ve worked with people who have (or have had) cancer for most of my professional life, and I’ve heard repeatedly about certain phrases which, however well-intentioned, can cause pain for a person recovering from cancer.  Of course, this information was gathered anecdotally, and not everyone will agree with this list.  It might even just be a way to open conversations with people you care about, to ask them how you can talk to them in a supportive and interested manner. 

1.     You look great!

I’ve heard people with cancer complain about this one a lot.  They want me to tell you that, even though their hair is growing back, or they don’t look quite so weak, they are still recovering.  They often feel like when people focus on how good they look, that they now feel pressured to be just as they were before. Remember, if the person is still undergoing treatment, or has recently completed treatment, even if they look fine, they may still be struggling.  Be sure to check in about how they are feeling before you start gushing about how their hair is growing back so nicely.

2.     Everything happens for a reason!/Cancer is a gift

This is the next one that I hear the most complaints about from my clients.  The implication here, they feel, is that they somehow deserved the cancer or brought it upon themselves.  Cancer, like so many diseases, strikes many people who never deserved such a painful and challenging disease.  If there’s a reason, other than unfortunate genetics, I haven’t found it. While cancer can bring positive changes to a person’s life, it can also bring a lot of very negative changes too, both during and following treatment.  The person with cancer may ultimately come to a place where they do appreciate the lessons learned,or new knowledge gained, but they will probably first have to deal with all their feelings about the not-so-sunny side of things.

3.     You know, that reminds me of this person I knew (insert really scary story here) who had cancer just like you.

Cancer is scary.  If you’ve been touched by this illness, you already know that.  It may be tempting to share experiences you or a loved one had with someone who is going through something similar.  However, remember that everyone is different, and hearing about worst-case scenarios can create even more fear than was already there.  If you want to empathize, you can simply tell them that, but it’s typically best to keep your worst case scenarios to yourself.

4.     How long are you going to use that excuse of cancer? It’s time to lift yourself up by the bootstraps and get back to living!

Cancer and its treatments are a huge trauma, not just physically, but also psychologically.  During treatment, people often are just focused on getting through this day, this treatment, or this surgery.  When treatment is over, there’s often a big emotional letdown.  Many people who have had cancer say that the emotions are even more intense after treatment has been completed.  Furthermore, the physical side effects, such as crushing fatigue, neuropathy (pain, tingling, and/or numbness at the extremities) and lymphedema (swelling of the arm), can last for a long time.  In my experience people tend to understate, not overstate their symptoms, and they often push through their pain or fatigue when they really should be recovering.  Please try to give them the space to recover.  They’ve been through a lot.

5.     I know just how you feel!

Remember: each person’s experience is unique.  Even people with the same diagnoses have different experiences, so don’t presume that you know how the person feels, even if you’re knowledgeable about the condition.  I’ve worked in the field for many years, and I still cannot know people feel about their condition until they tell me.  Be curious, be respectfully interested, and most people are glad to share their experiences.  You’ll learn something new each time!

Cognitive exercise that makes sense

I get asked a lot about people’s favorite things to do to exercise their brain. At the top of the lists are typically Sudoku and crossword puzzles. The people asking me are usually people who are already good at math and verbal expression. So I often respond with an old joke.

A man is looking feverishly for his keys under a streetlamp. His friend sees him there, and joins him in the search. After a few hours, the friend says, “ I just can’t find the keys. Are you sure you lost them here?” The man responds, “Oh no, I lost them about a half mile down the road, but the light is so much better here.” 

All the love for Sudoku and crossword puzzles is a similar case of looking for your keys where the light is best. It’s easier and fun to do what comes naturally, but you’re not likely to achieve your goals of brain fitness by these methods. 

The goal of brain exercise is to generate new and stronger pathways in your brain. If your brain is already well developed and skilled with words and numbers, it’s probably a lot of fun to do crosswords and Sudoku puzzles, but it’s probably not doing a lot to strengthen or generate new cognitive pathways.

So my challenge to you is to begin looking for your brain health in places where the lighting isn’t best, but where you’re most likely to find it. Think about what skill areas you have historically avoided. Some areas you might want to consider are: visual memory, verbal memory, visuospatial skills, processing speed, attention, artistic skill, physical abilities, mathematics, and verbal skills. Rank them from most commonly used to least commonly used, or from easiest to most difficult. If you’re having trouble, ask your significant other or a good friend. Then focus on developing your most challenging/least utilized skill areas.

Are you a slow and steady type who refuses to be rushed? Play timed games, like Perfection or Bop It!. Are you unable to draw a stick figure? Take the art class of your choice. Have you never been an athlete? Take a yoga class. Learn to square dance. Play soccer with your children, grandchildren, or coworkers. If your visual memory is poor like mine, play Memory (aka Concentration) with your favorite child friend. Are you a wordsmith who can’t do much with your hands? Play Tangrams, or Legos, or Tinker Toys. Or play with one of my favorite new toys, Super Plexus. And if verbal skills are not your strength, try Boggle or Scrabble, or even Scramble or WordTwist, right here on Facebook. 

You want to pick things that are a challenge, but also which are fun. If they’re not fun, you’re not likely to continue them. Find a buddy to join you in the merriment. Play children’s games with the kids in your life. Have a game night once a week at your house. Be open to doing things that aren’t in your natural skill set, and you might surprise yourself by the things you enjoy. I’d love to hear about what you’ve tried and how it goes for you.

And Sudoku and Crossword puzzles? You can keep doing them. It’s important and healthy to do things that are fun for you. Just don’t expect to find your keys there.